Mendax

Lately I've been feeling down. I'm not sure if that's due to not taking my medication properly or having backlash when you open up to somebody. I recently joined the semi-colon project and got a small tattoo on my wrist. It means a lot to me. Getting this far. I do like to think of him as a good friend but there are doubts. I don't think he has friends in his intentions.

I suppose it is him and his brother not understanding my circumstances so the only way they can understand is to mock it. Something that means close and dear to me. It scares you but that's my life you're joking about. I've been through so much and there's nothing funny about being 9 years old and wanting nothing more but to die. I get it. You don't understand it. Leave it at that.

I feel no remorse for the selfishness or hostility I show when around you. I'm not normally like that but you give me that attitude.That's how I'm protecting myself. I know your secrets and I show no judgement. Perhaps this is the reason why I find it difficult to make friends or feel love. People like you build my walls higher. I don't mind; but don't blame me when the next person that comes around trying with all their strength to break down the barrier asks why it was so secure in the first place. I will point my finger at you and it will take them years to go through those layers you've made.

Because of you. 

People like you make the world horrible. You disguise yourself as a friend but you're no where near that. You're a liar.

Vexatious

So my birthday was a few days ago. I didn't think anything interesting will happen this week. Just like any other week but tonight was different. I caught the later train. Later than usual. All stops. I was wide awake but everyone was dozing. This person caught my eye. Real suspicious type. His posture was slump. Tried to make himself blend in.

However he did a horrible job. He stuck out with his platinum blonde hair and his wide eyes shifting back and forth. I noticed him focusing on people who were asleep. Their bags in particular. He made it clear what his intentions were all about. I was at the ready. Except he moved to the next carriage. I kept alert. He made himself too obvious now. 

The train had stopped and I knew something was wrong. He bolted out with somebody's bag. My first instinct was run. RUN NOW. I guess he didn't suspect me to catch up to him. I couldn't get him but at least he let go of the bag. I guess that's all that really mattered. A part of me seems disappointed that I couldn't of done more. Another thought that was quite the adrenaline rush and the other side was thinking how reckless that was.

What if he had a knife? Was it really worth all that trouble? I just knew I couldn't of just sat there and did nothing. I wanted to make an effect happen. So I did. it was irresponsible but I wanted to make a difference. I guess I did at the cost of my safety. I'm sorry I did that. 

Plato

The type of people I attract has always perplexed me. Some barely interact with me yet have the courage to ask permission to enter my life in a more than 'just strangers' circumstance. I rarely have a say about it and yet they expect me to give them my details. I've grown too wise from all the mistakes I've made by letting unsuspecting people dictate my life.

I'm sorry dear, but you don't know me or know what I can do. I come with a lot of baggage and I don't think you quite understand how heavy that can be. "There is no other way to guard yourself against flattery than by making men understand that telling you the truth will not offend you." — Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince. 

I'm not protecting you. It's the truth and I don't want you to be apart of it because I know your intentions are purely innocent, at least I perceive it to be, and for me to allow you to walk into that is cruel of me. Don't thing you can "handle it" because it takes a damaged kind of person to be able to hold me up whilst holding themselves at the same time. So when I say I'm not interested, don't be discouraged because someone will come along and love what you've done.

Just not me. 

 

Olivander

I always joked around pretending that none of that stuff bothers me but it does. I don't like to admit it, But I have triggers and they scare me everyday. I don't have triggers over horrible images. Instead I hear a certain song, watch a certain television show or smell a familiar scent that I deem is good but suddenly my head tells me no and ruins that good moment for me.

My past was shit but It had good elements which I'm finding difficult to enjoy now that I'm an adult. I live with a family of 3 and it's difficult to watch whenever they argue over something. To them it's the smallest fight but in my head it escalates much further than that. I end up hiding in my room most of the time pretending that none of it is happening. 

My head makes it feel like reality. It's petrifying. I slowly do end up bringing myself back to the moment and differentiating what story my head is trying to make and what is really happening. I don't know what my mind is trying to tell me but all I have to say is that I am not my past and I refuse to let you have a grip on me today. 

Sculpture

You can try so hard but you won't ever replace me.  
I am unique and I am exceptional. Don't think for a split second that you have something better than the original. It's just a cheap knock off you're trying to mould into my form. I have nothing but pity for the girl you are constructing into another version of me.

You don't have a heart. You don't have a soul. Release that girl, for she is still far too young and hasn't developed her own remarkable character yet. When I left you I only intended to hurt you and no body else. Don't go dragging others in who are completely unaware of what you're trying to do. All you're doing is leaving a trail of empty husks that could of been something more notable.

You are damaging. You are toxic. I warn everybody to stay away from you.