No Taksies Backsies

Pt1; Every person I once loved has a piece here. I guess it's your turn. I did it because I felt so unloved. I know. You loved with me with everything you had but you made me feel so afraid of myself. You gave me reassurance that somebody can love me but you made sure that no body else would either. I guess I just needed to test the waters. I thought I was better once I was medicated but things never felt better for me. I was afraid because I couldn't feel anything any more but you liked that.

You liked how I became unconcerned about everything but the truth is it doesn't stop. I just show it less. I lash out less. I can control what I do but not how I feel. I guess in the end I was afraid but you were too. Things were easier for you but things became scarier. It was just a different shadow. I had nightmares all the time. The way risperidone made me feel was frightening. Clonazepam made me feel like I was constantly screaming on the inside. Olanzapine gave me no inner thought. And my dear friend sertraline. I can't go a day without it because I literally feels like I'm going to collapse and die whenever I stop taking it. So I begin taking it again just to take away that feeling.

They tested so many different drugs on me. I can't remember most of the days I spent in there. You're glad I went through that but I hate it everyday. They controlled who we spoke to, what we did, when we ate. They even sedate you whenever you begin to act out in the slightest raised voice. The whole process was traumatising. You gave me a lot of shame for being that person. I just needed to start over with somebody who didn't have a 'upper hand' on me.

I would be lying if I said being scheduled didn't do good for me. But god, why couldn't I just leave this world loving too hard than to barely love at all and only just to feel okay. It just seems no matter what I do, I can't feel that happy any more or that depressed. I can't feel the way I use to. I told you ever off day, I miss the euphoria.