Washed out

 

I'm terrified of returning to hospital but right now it feels like the only safe place I've got left. I am needing reassurance, affirmation, confirmation, clarification, confidence. I am drowning, my skin is peeling, I am losing touch with my reality. I am losing my memory. I am a child once more. I know you are done with being terrified but that all I have ever known. 

I don't doubt you. I doubt myself. 

I am not enough for you. I am not well. I am too emotional, too scared, too much. I didn't mean to carry all my baggage and store it in your closet. I'm taking it all back but that's all wrong as well. I'm terrified. I am fleeing. I'm not okay. I am spiraling and there's no stopping me. I know you're trying to understand but I just feel like I'm being tolerated.

You are worth finding. Worth knowing. Worth loving. You and all your one million layers. Always hold that close.

- Danielle Doby

Engulf

I am hurting and I'm terrified of drowning. 

I want to belong and I want to feel included. I am tired of having to pretend I'm okay and everything people say doesn't burn my raw skin. I feel trapped and I can't leave without kicking the platform underneath me. I just want a blanket. Pull it over me and fall asleep. 

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I just want crumbs of what everyone else has. I don't want to plea anymore. I don't want to beg anymore. I don't get angry anymore. I become disinterested. I push things away until I let myself believe I don't need it anymore. 

Reminds me when religion was beat out of me. 

Demons Can Swim

Stay positive. Keep clear. Stay away from toxicity even if it keeps chasing me. I'm trying my best not to drown. You're doing this for self-care. To preserve your life. To better yourself. You made the right choice on cutting ties. Don't let your head tell you otherwise. 

You're not a slut. You're not easy. You're not weak or pathetic. You made a mistake and that's all they are. Mistakes. I choose me over something harmful. You felt yourself slipping back to somewhere you said you would never return to. If this is the aftermath. If this is the fallout, then you can accept this. You can live with this. You're not losing yourself again.

You are deserving of life. You deserve happiness. You are worthy of safety and trust. Not from everyone which is why must trim those away who wish you fragment you. You did the right thing even though it doesn't feel like it now. Don't trouble yourself with people who live rent-free inside your mind. Evict them. Replace them with kind tenants. 

You love yourself. You worked too damn hard for someone like him to come along and ruin it. You're beautiful with or without clothes. You are fucking amazing. I've seen you win these. I've seen you go through worst. This is just a walk through the park. Even if you hate the outside.

Husk

It's currently 2:51am and I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm disappointed above all else. It occurs so frequently I can't trust that it's something that will pass. I want to be honest with myself. I want to be honest with you. I want this to work but I know I will be compromising my happiness. I would be compromising the basics of what I want in a relationship. 

I want to have a conversation. I want to communicate freely without feeling small, insignificant or irrelevant. I can't stand your silence. It makes my head wonder to places irrational and destructive. That troubles me. It causes me pain. I've had enough of that for one life. I'm alone with myself everyday and I just need comfort. I need love. I don't need absence. 

Speak as if your words are unique. Don't formulate a clinical apology I've heard a thousand times. Speak from your heart. I know it's not easy to do but I don't think you can. Is it because I don't mean anything to you? You don't feel anything? I'm not worthy of your thoughts? I like to pretend you're up mad having a thousand thoughts of what you should of said or what should of happened. Or having difficulty sleeping but I know what you're like. None of this bothers you. 

You sleep sound. I'm up late typing my thoughts to no one. 

I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeves. They're only good for wiping away tears. 

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this either. I'm not making any progress of creating a life worth living. I am wasting oxygen. 

Uninvited

I think I sometimes put in too much effort into those who don't deserve it. This is not a debate on someone's experience or background. It's human decency. I wish I could understand where the satire is in your joke. I don't need someone to defend their actions. I don't need someone to try to even the playing field. I don't need this.

I've encountered people who I would do anything for. Is it pitiful to expect the same effort back? I don't want to sleep it off. I've done that and I hate that it still eats me up. I don't want to go to bed mad. I don't want to cry about it. I don't want any of it anymore. 

I'm walking away from it.