Validity

I cried the whole way home on the train today. It was peak hour and I was sitting at the front. It didn't bother me surprisingly. It liberated me. Only a single individual had asked me if I was alright. I was. I just needed to let it out. I've been holding it in for too long. I needed to breath out.

I cried in front of my customers and I blamed it on allergies. They believed it. At least I did. I couldn't tell anybody the truth. When I finally did it sounded silly and that I was being ridiculous. But I mustn't continue this habit of dismissing myself and my feelings. 

How I feel is completely reasonable because they come from a place of love or a place of fear. I haven't been taught any other way and I need to reteach myself that it's okay to have strong emotions but how I react to these emotions is important and essential to me and others. Understand the properties of the emotion and why they are there. What's their purpose?

Practice this. 

 

Drive

More often these days I end up questioning what I'm doing with myself and where I want to end up. It was only after 2014 where I thought "Shit, I want to die old". I suddenly have more possibilities and time to do what I want to and try to accomplish whatever I have in mind. However, I end up worrying more about how I'm going to spending my time rather than actually doing something with it.

My only thought process is, If it makes you happy; do it. With the conditions of:

• Is it in living means? i.e Money
• Does it harm or bother anybody else?
• Will if effect your health?

Of course these are just the main three points and so far I managed to really boost my quality of living. I started painting again. I began traveling and I'm doing things for me. I know it may sound odd because a lot of people do things for themselves but I was always worried about what others will think, how they will comment on it and how my actions affect other people. 

In the scheme of things, my doings are actually quite minute and generally have little or no affect on others unless I make it so. I'm getting into the habit of thinking that I'm not a bother and if I am, I shouldn't mind because they don't matter.

Heffalump

How is it that we have destroyed so many minds of adults that they still have to recover from childhood. I'm aggravated because my room mate is going to have a baby soon and when I hear that I want them to have the best childhood that anybody can possibly give it.

I want to tell it everything is okay and learn how to deal with things in a healthy manner. I don't want it to grow up like us where we grew up sheltering our insecurities which would later dictate how we live our lives with anxieties and feelings we don't understand overwhelming us. 

I don't want you to think that you are incapable. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to hide your feelings and opinions and that bottling it all in is okay. I want to know about your troubles and fears. I don't ever want you to think that the way we deal with things is appropriate.

For the love of god, I don't want anything more but for you to grow up happy. What you do from there is your responsibility but please, I don't want you growing up having terrible memories that devour you at night leaving you crying silently in bed. You are so tiny. I don't know you but I love you and I'm going to protect you with everything I got.

Overstayed My Welcome

I have a deep concern about being a nuisance. I suppose this stems from every so often people have the need to tell me to calm down and relax. I don't mean to be intense. I just enjoy showing my feelings with vigour but this makes people uncomfortable. I don't mean to be loud. I just don't know any other way to exude my spark.

And the fact that I have the need to apologise for feeling this way makes me feel like I'm just somebody's headache. Thoughts along these lines run laps through my head in a never ending relay. I don't want to be pardon myself because that's just the way I am. I've ever only had one person who's ever told me directly with so much spite that it still breaks my heart today. 

Maybe because it was meant to be season of open arms and love. Or maybe because I really didn't deserve it... Not that kind of level of hostility anyway. It caused me to have one of the most severe panic attacks I ever had. But I suppose I would be more of a nuisance if I didn't ask for clemency. However, In the long run of it all. I don't want to know you.

That's just me emitting my enjoyment and hype and if you can't either be happy for me or share my glee, I don't want to know you. You're stopping me from enjoying my life the way I want to. You're dimming my light and for what exactly? You're invalidating me. I don't need that.

To put it simply, I'm infatuated. 

 

Der Schein trügt.

Hello old friend. I could never forget about you. Mind you, It has been 4 years. I do miss you though. I suppose I should tell you how the last few years went.

2012: Your first real attempt on getting help due to another dance with death but failed miserably due to resistant. My fault but you didn't have to be a dick about it. But if I do ever find you, I will punch you so hard you'll never forget my face again. You are not equipped to work with mental health patients or anyone in the health care system.

2013: This year is hazy to be completely honest. It was really a wasted year but I met someone nice... Who later found out I wasn't so nice but stuck around regardless. I believe this was the year that the reckoning really unleashed itself. It wasn't just the rage or dissociation any more. It was a large portion of paranoia and hallucinations. And denial. A lot of denial. 

2014: I've never crashed so hard in my entire life. Again, I wasn't so nice. That led me to be unwillingly institutionalised for half a year in total. Not counting the mandatory weekly group session which literally changed my outlook on life and how I deal with things. I am deeply appreciative of that. I became homeless and luckily had another patient offer me a place. I was given many different drugs which I all tried but never abused. It was from here out that I became a different person. I was better. I was okay.

2015: I had a hiccup. I wasn't nice...Again. A commonly regrettable trend with me but this is probably the best I ever felt in years. I take drugs daily just to feel okay. I'm not ashamed of that. I gained a lot of money from different outlets but I'm clean. I'm healthy. I'm okay. And I never thought I'd live to see the day I can admit that and mean it at least 95.5%. 

It feels like I've lived two lives. Why I didn't I do this sooner? Scared mostly but I highly encourage everybody to get help whenever they think they need it. It's going to be a difficult process filled with ignorant people but persist. Fuck it. LIFE DOES GET BETTER.