Loveless

pt.1 There is nothing more frightening than to be alone in my mind. I am in a stage of crisis and I am not well enough equipped to be dealing with me in a rational manner. I hurt the ones I love the most. This is a very constant pattern. But enough that you wanted me 16000km away from you. Immediately. I broke you.

In turn I am broken. To hear you say that you no longer want me in your life because every time I am emotional it makes you shake with fear. You then sugar coated over it and began to tell me that I am a good and caring person. I do care. I really do but I know it's suffocating. To all my borderline and PTSD friends, we are not for the soft hearted. We are violent. We are strong minded and we are difficult but because one person says it's too much for them, do not think that you are at fault. 

I've never have somebody love me so hard and then absolutely despise me within days. I'll be honest. I'm not coping well. I'm not really dealing with it. I'm not sure how to. I'm just avoiding. Now the only memories I have left of you are traumatising to think about and leaves me in tears whenever I hear the echoes of those words. I am truly sorry. I don't want anyone to go through what you did.

Abhor

I'm feeling such mixed emotions. I should focus on the people who actually matter in my life. In the end of the day, I know they're looking out for me and they will have pick me up when I'm down. The people who make you feel as if they're best friend immediately are the people you should be wary about. There's something so beautiful and disgusting about these type of people.

They make you feel comfortable. So comfortable, you end up wanting to spend all your time with. You end up sharing stories and secrets that you wouldn't normally tell people but they're so lovely and nice. Why wouldn't I trust them. Look how well we're getting along. But then they say the wrong thing. Oh, But they haven't known me long enough to know that I would be sensitive to that.

They continue to say things that make you uncomfortable and then you realise you haven't been friends with them for very long. You try to explain to them why you're upset but they just brush it off and continue to be their funny and happy selves. They make you feel like you're on top of the world and everything is amazing with them.

You have an argument but assume like you're other friends that you would just stop talking for a few days til things calm down and you talk about it. Except in this case, it becomes OBSESSIVE. They're calling you constantly. They're messaging you explaining why they're overreacting and how it's not really them that it's you. They bring up that we had such a fun time and that I'm ruining the friendship. How they thought I was such a good person but really I'm bitter and mean and they're absolutely nice with no flaws. 

Somehow it turns around so quickly you wonder how it escalated this far to begin with. You no longer feel that glee anymore. It just becomes distasteful and it begins to feel like more of a burden than a friendship. I wouldn't recommend this but if someone becomes this toxic and this quick, drop that bastard. Asap.

They warned me about you and now I see your scales.