These days I end up sleeping during the day and crying quietly at night. Mostly because I don't like the things that are said during the day and it feels like with every eye contact I'm going to just crumble. I haven't felt this way in a long time... My beliefs and values are being unrooted unwelcomingly and I am being challenged to something I can't win.
Regards of my stance, they are wrong. Regards of where they come from, they are wrong. Whatever I do, it's never enough. I have not yet grounded myself but expected to fit into an idea that I don't desire. It's all about "bettering" myself. I can see me becoming bitter, selfish and uncaring and that's not the love I wish to give. It's changing me in ways where I must stop being that compassionate and empathic person.
I miss the way I use to love. His words are harsh and they linger day after day. I want to be better. I want to be what he wants but when will it be ever enough. My love will always be unconditional but it's wearing me down. I'm always wrong and I think that's the way it's going to stay, unfortunately.
It feels like the last 4 years of my life is becoming undone and it's truly frightening.
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