Washed out

 

I'm terrified of returning to hospital but right now it feels like the only safe place I've got left. I am needing reassurance, affirmation, confirmation, clarification, confidence. I am drowning, my skin is peeling, I am losing touch with my reality. I am losing my memory. I am a child once more. I know you are done with being terrified but that all I have ever known. 

I don't doubt you. I doubt myself. 

I am not enough for you. I am not well. I am too emotional, too scared, too much. I didn't mean to carry all my baggage and store it in your closet. I'm taking it all back but that's all wrong as well. I'm terrified. I am fleeing. I'm not okay. I am spiraling and there's no stopping me. I know you're trying to understand but I just feel like I'm being tolerated.

You are worth finding. Worth knowing. Worth loving. You and all your one million layers. Always hold that close.

- Danielle Doby

Engulf

I am hurting and I'm terrified of drowning. 

I want to belong and I want to feel included. I am tired of having to pretend I'm okay and everything people say doesn't burn my raw skin. I feel trapped and I can't leave without kicking the platform underneath me. I just want a blanket. Pull it over me and fall asleep. 

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I just want crumbs of what everyone else has. I don't want to plea anymore. I don't want to beg anymore. I don't get angry anymore. I become disinterested. I push things away until I let myself believe I don't need it anymore. 

Reminds me when religion was beat out of me.