Monty

It's so strange to have a desire of people using your name. I found it strange at first but these days I'm growing to appreciate it immensely. I no longer feel like a number or just a blur among a crowd. I cease being robotic and become an individual with personality. It feels as if flowers are blooming all over me. It feels brighter. It feels delightful.

It's such a simple way on becoming familiar and memorable. It's a truly platonic thing. Just having a slight pause and to take the time and effort to get to know someone. Even if it's so simple like a name. It means so much. Behind that name is a character with a whole story and complications and it's frankly honourable that you even read the title of the book.

Cold In Winter

It's actually irritating. I would never recommend this. I find myself angrily biting my bottom lip over the messages that I wait all day to receive only for it to be two sentences of generic conversation. Small talk. I feel as if my feelings and efforts aren't being returned in the same manner.

I'm wrong you say. I'm always wrong. But I've written to you so much. I haven't even gotten a single letter from you since. I hate having this feeling as if I'm kidding myself. I hate that I have so much time for you. I'm willing to sacrifice so much but I'm sure you wouldn't do the same.

Everyday. Worst thoughts seem to intrude and honestly, I'm starting to believe them. They're invasive and loud but you haven't given me any reason not to believe them. I give you so much of my time. I lose so much sleep. Why don't you do the same? I don't deserve this. We need to talk.

Dispose My Thoughts

Well done. Open to religious views but it doesn't convince me.
Don't tell me you love me unless you mean it, Or I might do something crazy like believe it.
If there's a chance, Take it and run like the wind.

That was a bitch move.

Falling for someone you’ve never met in person, makes you realise that you look for the personality more than the looks.
I have a confession to make. I'm quite the hoarder.

When I was a little kid, I couldn't wait to grow up and now that I'm grown up, I can't wait to die.

Gosh, You're skinny. It's frightening.

I don’t let people know much about my personal life because the people that know a lot about my personal life, I start to distance myself from them, and we go from really really good friends to strangers in a frighteningly short time.

This post was created in 2010 but was never published.

I wish I knew the reason or the context on why I wrote these down and decided to keep them for so long.

Birthdays

Dear Keaton Henson,

Whenever I am feeling a little restless or sad, You release me from my heartache. You make me cry whenever I can't and it is so good to let it all out. Your lyrics are comparable to wilted roses. Beautiful but saddening at the same time. You bring out so much raw emotion. It's so troubling to know how much I enjoy being distressed over your music but good God, I feel human.

I relive past memories through your albums. Some I rather not remember but I'm mourning rather than dissociating. I'm moving through and past it. It moves me in such a strange way where I want to reconnect with my ex-boyfriend and invite him to listen to your discography just so we could stare at each other with tearful, bitter stares only to feel heartbroken and regret and wonder why we ever did this. 

You make being miserable bearable in such an attractive way. Stay that way. I never thought I would embrace my emotions in such a positive manner. It's good. It's healthy. This is my appreciation post for you and the differences you've made within me. Even in my loneliest hour I still feel the company of your spirit through your tremulous voice.

Beekeeper

You Don't Know How Lucky You Are 

10 AM, Gare Du Nord

Lying To You

Teach Me 

You

Elixir Vitae

My current fear is the day my medication ceases to work. Some days I think it's all a placebo and it gets worst. It balances my mood but it doesn't make the bad thoughts go away. When they're really intense it's like I never even swallowed them.

These past couple of days I can feel the stress tightening my chest up again and my thoughts running constantly. It becomes obsessive. I have urges to just suddenly cry. It's like that side of me is seeping back through. I'm fearful of that. Truly. 

Some days I deceive myself to not take them. After a few days of convincing myself, it catches up to me and the side effects begin to kick in. It feels like a bad trip. You feel weak. You can't seem to focus and it feels like every movement is causing all the muscles in your body to seize up. It feels like your eyes are going to fall out of their sockets along with your brain mass pouring out.

So... I like taking my medication. Most days anyways. I'm more fearful of the person I am without them than the pages of side effects that they have on me. I've become so dependent I don't even know who I am anymore. 

Treading Water

I don't really trust what I'm feeling unless it's fear. It's so easily felt and I'm so acquainted with it. I remember doing an exam for my mental well being and it had all these questions about all these difference emotions that I was really confused on what these feelings actually felt like. I've been accompanied by terror and depression for so long that I was never really aware about the other things that I could be experiencing.

They were so overwhelming that to this day, I question if I ever "loved" anything. I mean... I've said it before and tried to mean it as much as possible but it still felt empty. I would say it often and I would elaborate on how much I loved something so they didn't think that I was exaggerating but now I feel like I was only just kidding myself. I am capable. I just need to take it slow.