Elixir Vitae

My current fear is the day my medication ceases to work. Some days I think it's all a placebo and it gets worst. It balances my mood but it doesn't make the bad thoughts go away. When they're really intense it's like I never even swallowed them.

These past couple of days I can feel the stress tightening my chest up again and my thoughts running constantly. It becomes obsessive. I have urges to just suddenly cry. It's like that side of me is seeping back through. I'm fearful of that. Truly. 

Some days I deceive myself to not take them. After a few days of convincing myself, it catches up to me and the side effects begin to kick in. It feels like a bad trip. You feel weak. You can't seem to focus and it feels like every movement is causing all the muscles in your body to seize up. It feels like your eyes are going to fall out of their sockets along with your brain mass pouring out.

So... I like taking my medication. Most days anyways. I'm more fearful of the person I am without them than the pages of side effects that they have on me. I've become so dependent I don't even know who I am anymore.