Fathom

The health ministry is taking their time in giving me my medication that I ever so need to be okay with everyday living but it's not just me. It's everyone else too. They refuse to give anybody their scrips until their system comes back online 100%. I understand that. But what about the people who urgently need theirs? All I can get is 30 pill prescription and it'll only last me 15 days til I have to go back to the doctors office and get a new one written up.

I'm very anxious because I need more than that when I go traveling to Europe. I've been taking smaller doses just to save my medication but already I can notice a differences. I need to be okay to the best of my ability and this circumstance is completely out of my hand and it makes me uneasy. I was able to wrap all of my Christmas presents and decorate around the house. But work, That's a whole different story.

I've been coming in late because my body refuses to move whatever ungodly hour I wake up. It's hard to explain it to my co-workers because they don't seem to understand. I explain it to the best of my abilities but I'm not very good at it. They understand to an extent but then they begin to compare. Your sadness and my sadness aren't the same. I need you to understand. I don't want to hear about your experience about your type of depressed. Your advice doesn't help me. I can't just fix it by being happy and keeping my chin up.

In the end I get told that "It's not good enough" and then I feel worst for being the way I am. There's so many problems with the understanding of metal illness. A good example of this is when we are in hospital, we get clumped together who are under the influence, whether it be drugs or alcohol. We also get treated the same with patients that are mentally disabled. I'm not trying to say that we are better in any way, just we all need to be treated differently in different units of the hospital. I'll elaborate on this on a later post. 

Desolate

I don't know how to feel about the situation we've put ourselves in. I've been clear in saying that I am not interested in you however, you are yet to make any statement at all. You're a sweetie. You never make me ask twice. You always assist me even though I've said I'm fine. You get upset whenever I go to grab my wallet. You know when I get upset or annoyed at things. Nobody picks up my queues as quick as you.

But day in and day out, I remind you constantly; I love you but not in that way. I don't think about you when I'm about to fall asleep. I don't miss you as much as you want me to. You're not the first thin on my mind in the morning. I feel terribly guilty for having to explain my position repeatedly because you always reply with a "I know." but deep down I don't think you really do. 

I think you like pushing that reality away from you. As far as possible. As long as it means being happy for that small moment. If they didn't know, they would think we've been a couple for years. I've met your family, I've met your friends. I was called your partner last night during dinner and I had quickly corrected them. The hast wasn't because I'm ashamed of you or anything of the manner but I need to make it clear as possible. You hate hearing the truth but you need to know.

I was hurt today. We've grown so close in such a short time but you wouldn't tell me what was upsetting you. You tell me everything. Except this... and I know even your darkest secrets. It got me thinking. I couldn't date you. I couldn't love you any more than friends. From where I've been and how you handle things. It doesn't work. You are from a background of opportunities and privileges. I'm from dirt and struggles. You can try to understand but not on that emotional level I need the people I love deeply to be. 

"I am eternally, devastatingly romantic, and I thought people would see it because ‘romantic’ doesn’t mean ‘sugary.’ It’s dark and tormented…the despair of an idealism that you can’t attain."

—	Catherine Breillat

We enjoy each other's company more than the norm but god, I know it's killing you inside. I ruin you but how do I stop. I can't let go but I know if I do, you'll be better off. Or are we both just killing time...

Ain't I Lucky

I had a druggie come in the other day try to kiss my hand and I don't tend to overreact in situations like that but I must admit, I panicked. I was giving him his change as like any other customer. Except he was slurring all over the place with his discoloured drool. The second my eyes left him he cupped my hand and pulled it in towards his lips. I actually screamed and pulled back.

I held my hand as if it was an injured puppy. He looked at me with such sad eyes. "I didn't meant to scare you. I was just trying to kiss your hand because you're so nice to me. Nobody has been this nice to me in years." I was frightened and angry. I was angry for so many reasons. I kept changing the reason the more I thought about it.

• How dare he grab me like that.
• Doesn't he know he's dirty and filthy. 
• How can you let yourself abuse such a substance.
• I overreacted. 

"I'm not full of disease". How do I trust your word on that. Addict are known to be liars. He began to give me a sob story but I zoned out on the condition of his skin. It was red, sore and covered with track marks. I guess I began to sympathise with him because after all, he's still human. 

I later got a lecture from my manager saying that I should of handled the situation differently. I'm sorry but it's not like everyday I get approached by a schmecker. I am not trained to deal with those type of situations. I know he meant no harm. Our systems don't know how to handle people like him.

I guess because if you asked me a year ago, I would of been just like him.

Glazed

pt2; I was never thankful to anyone who walked into my life but yours, I can definitely say I was. I'm not sure if it's because you drove me to the edge or you bettered my life. I remember meeting up with you one day and my eyes were swollen and I stayed oddly quiet. They previously gave me a drug which I have no recollection of. The other patients told me that I spent the next days vomiting and was unresponsive to anybody. I don't remember any of it.

I have flashes of getting out of bed and telling a nurse that I had just vomited and had double vision. I don't think I'll ever know what they did with me. It was the same when they sedated me. I woke in bed and walked out with everyone looking at me terrifyingly. Did you even know I was missing? I had nurses laugh and make fun of me. Yet nothing happened from it. I just distrusted people further because they were good enough proof for me. 

You couldn't protect me. Being treated unfairly for so long makes me defend people regardless the situation. You loved me but allowed people to ridicule me. I needed somebody on my side. I don't think you were ever on my side. I always expected more. But that was what was wrong with me. I always expected more. I was never happy with what I had. Perhaps this goes back to feeling anything at all. It went to feeling so much to nothing at all.

"It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply."

It's strange. I look back and I wonder in what way I loved you and in what way did you love me. I'm unsure that I can't recall because I didn't or my efforts were so poor. Stop making friends who have suicidal tendencies because one of these days one of us will die and you will blame yourself for the rest of time and we're already too much to deal with. Just. Stop doing this to yourself. 

No Taksies Backsies

Pt1; Every person I once loved has a piece here. I guess it's your turn. I did it because I felt so unloved. I know. You loved with me with everything you had but you made me feel so afraid of myself. You gave me reassurance that somebody can love me but you made sure that no body else would either. I guess I just needed to test the waters. I thought I was better once I was medicated but things never felt better for me. I was afraid because I couldn't feel anything any more but you liked that.

You liked how I became unconcerned about everything but the truth is it doesn't stop. I just show it less. I lash out less. I can control what I do but not how I feel. I guess in the end I was afraid but you were too. Things were easier for you but things became scarier. It was just a different shadow. I had nightmares all the time. The way risperidone made me feel was frightening. Clonazepam made me feel like I was constantly screaming on the inside. Olanzapine gave me no inner thought. And my dear friend sertraline. I can't go a day without it because I literally feels like I'm going to collapse and die whenever I stop taking it. So I begin taking it again just to take away that feeling.

They tested so many different drugs on me. I can't remember most of the days I spent in there. You're glad I went through that but I hate it everyday. They controlled who we spoke to, what we did, when we ate. They even sedate you whenever you begin to act out in the slightest raised voice. The whole process was traumatising. You gave me a lot of shame for being that person. I just needed to start over with somebody who didn't have a 'upper hand' on me.

I would be lying if I said being scheduled didn't do good for me. But god, why couldn't I just leave this world loving too hard than to barely love at all and only just to feel okay. It just seems no matter what I do, I can't feel that happy any more or that depressed. I can't feel the way I use to. I told you ever off day, I miss the euphoria.

Auxilium

My first night in hospital was exhausting. I just remember sitting on this grass patch on the highway with at least 14 police surrounding me. I was silent mostly. One officer tried to talk to me but I could see she couldn't really understand why I put myself in the situation At least she spoke to me unlike the other officers that were just talking shit the whole time.

I must of waited in emergency for at least 4 hours until I gave up and I left. One nurse tried to stop me because she thought I had a catheter stuck in my arm. I got scared and ran away and walked home the rest of the way at 5am in the morning. I ended up sleeping most of that day until some people sent from the hospital knocked on my door and asked if I could come back in. 

My boyfriend during the time accompanied me back to the emergency where we waited another 3 hours or so until a bed was available for me. I stayed in that bed for the rest of night barely getting any sleep due to a patient becoming aggressive because he drank too much and wanted to kill himself too. I had a nurse come around every couple of hours asking me if I wanted a pill to help me sleep. I always declined. I was then evaluated by a few doctors who asked me questions to figure out where my mental state was.

The security guards that I was assigned were nice to me. They didn't try to ask me why I was here. Instead they were trying to calm my nerves. Of course I made their job difficult by trying to leave a few times but I was compliant. I was scheduled until they could find me a bed a metal ward and this is how I ended up in Campbelltown Hospital. 

Also; Never have hospital eggs. It's just the powdered stuff and they made me throw up. I felt more physically sick than I did mentally.