Reverse

These days I end up sleeping during the day and crying quietly at night. Mostly because I don't like the things that are said during the day and it feels like with every eye contact I'm going to just crumble. I haven't felt this way in a long time... My beliefs and values are being unrooted unwelcomingly and I am being challenged to something I can't win.

Regards of my stance, they are wrong. Regards of where they come from, they are wrong. Whatever I do, it's never enough. I have not yet grounded myself but expected to fit into an idea that I don't desire. It's all about "bettering" myself. I can see me becoming bitter, selfish and uncaring and that's not the love I wish to give. It's changing me in ways where I must stop being that compassionate and empathic person. 

I miss the way I use to love. His words are harsh and they linger day after day. I want to be better. I want to be what he wants but when will it be ever enough. My love will always be unconditional but it's wearing me down. I'm always wrong and I think that's the way it's going to stay, unfortunately.

It feels like the last 4 years of my life is becoming undone and it's truly frightening. 

Alright

I was reading our old messages. I always seem to keep the ones that evoke the most emotion. It just remind me on how much I was a shallow, bitter and selfish person towards you. No one else will be as lovely, kind and gentle with me as you were. No body will love me to the extent that you did. I've grown a lot since and I know that we could never be a thing again.

Not because of you obviously. I just won't change my bad habits unfortunately. Even for the one I love the most. I suppose it's written into my soul. But I'm happy. Knowing that you're far away from me and hoping that somebody else is making you happier than I ever did. "I'm proud because you didn't cut". That was a good habit. I wish I was as clean as you want me to be. 

I'm not sober. I'm not well. It'll always feel like I'm "recovering". I miss you because you truly did better myself and life actually seemed like a pleasure to experience. I'm trying to take care of myself cause I know that is what you want but sometimes my personalities seep through and air begins to feel rough. I believe I haven't experienced love since you left.

I'm not sure if I should cry or smile at that.