Desolate

I don't know how to feel about the situation we've put ourselves in. I've been clear in saying that I am not interested in you however, you are yet to make any statement at all. You're a sweetie. You never make me ask twice. You always assist me even though I've said I'm fine. You get upset whenever I go to grab my wallet. You know when I get upset or annoyed at things. Nobody picks up my queues as quick as you.

But day in and day out, I remind you constantly; I love you but not in that way. I don't think about you when I'm about to fall asleep. I don't miss you as much as you want me to. You're not the first thin on my mind in the morning. I feel terribly guilty for having to explain my position repeatedly because you always reply with a "I know." but deep down I don't think you really do. 

I think you like pushing that reality away from you. As far as possible. As long as it means being happy for that small moment. If they didn't know, they would think we've been a couple for years. I've met your family, I've met your friends. I was called your partner last night during dinner and I had quickly corrected them. The hast wasn't because I'm ashamed of you or anything of the manner but I need to make it clear as possible. You hate hearing the truth but you need to know.

I was hurt today. We've grown so close in such a short time but you wouldn't tell me what was upsetting you. You tell me everything. Except this... and I know even your darkest secrets. It got me thinking. I couldn't date you. I couldn't love you any more than friends. From where I've been and how you handle things. It doesn't work. You are from a background of opportunities and privileges. I'm from dirt and struggles. You can try to understand but not on that emotional level I need the people I love deeply to be. 

"I am eternally, devastatingly romantic, and I thought people would see it because ‘romantic’ doesn’t mean ‘sugary.’ It’s dark and tormented…the despair of an idealism that you can’t attain."

—	Catherine Breillat

We enjoy each other's company more than the norm but god, I know it's killing you inside. I ruin you but how do I stop. I can't let go but I know if I do, you'll be better off. Or are we both just killing time...