Glazed

pt2; I was never thankful to anyone who walked into my life but yours, I can definitely say I was. I'm not sure if it's because you drove me to the edge or you bettered my life. I remember meeting up with you one day and my eyes were swollen and I stayed oddly quiet. They previously gave me a drug which I have no recollection of. The other patients told me that I spent the next days vomiting and was unresponsive to anybody. I don't remember any of it.

I have flashes of getting out of bed and telling a nurse that I had just vomited and had double vision. I don't think I'll ever know what they did with me. It was the same when they sedated me. I woke in bed and walked out with everyone looking at me terrifyingly. Did you even know I was missing? I had nurses laugh and make fun of me. Yet nothing happened from it. I just distrusted people further because they were good enough proof for me. 

You couldn't protect me. Being treated unfairly for so long makes me defend people regardless the situation. You loved me but allowed people to ridicule me. I needed somebody on my side. I don't think you were ever on my side. I always expected more. But that was what was wrong with me. I always expected more. I was never happy with what I had. Perhaps this goes back to feeling anything at all. It went to feeling so much to nothing at all.

"It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply."

It's strange. I look back and I wonder in what way I loved you and in what way did you love me. I'm unsure that I can't recall because I didn't or my efforts were so poor. Stop making friends who have suicidal tendencies because one of these days one of us will die and you will blame yourself for the rest of time and we're already too much to deal with. Just. Stop doing this to yourself.