Cold

pt.2 A week later and my urges are still as strong. My knuckles are starting to heal and I continue to tell myself that it wasn't self harm because I won't let myself go there again but I'm finding other outlets. I'm becoming more reserved but not enough for anybody to think I'm dissociating. I started to drink, but I keep telling them it's the holidays as an excuse to continue. I haven't been sober in three days.

I'm going out tomorrow with friends and most likely put another few drinks in my system. I have complete control. I know that. But nothing is satisfying my urges to be destructive. They're different than just drawing a blade over your skin. It's a process. It's long and depressing. 

It's been a while since I've looked in the mirror. Every time I have a glance I'm filled with hatred and anger. What a strange feeling to be disgusted with one's self. I thought I was over this. Apparently not. They did warn me that this is something that is going to walk with me through life. How much longer can I deal? I continue to make scenarios in my head. Days like these makes it horrible to be me.