I See Her Going Off

I feel like anything I do lately is always going to be seen as wrong. There's no my opinion, my choice. Nothing. Fuck everything.

Screaming Out Loud

How I have been neglecting you. I finally feel like myself again. No more drama. No more messes. No more downs. I just feel me. Except I got elastics yesterday and they feel odd. I can't wait til get them off. Not anytime soon but still. I feel good under my own skin.

Priorities Messed Up

Some people are just addicted to some things. Anger. Gossip. Drugs. Anything to make them feel better. In a bad mood.

Down That Road

I stand on this earth knowing how cruel humans can be. There is no "limit" on what's too far. Someone will always push the boundaries. It's sometimes just better to keep your mouth shut and keep to yourself. You can't trust this generation. What seemed to be carefree and trustworthy life completely turned into paranoia and needing to make sure unwanted guest aren't around.

I don't have any big secrets. Not to tell anybody. I don't trust other people with needless information. It might be important but it's not worth the chaos. I had too many people just toy with my life with stuff that could of been easily avoided but some people are addicted to drama. Trust doesn't come easily. Not without exchange.

Like It's The Last

I had a pretty nice day. It was just lovely. I was told I was far from a idiot. I was treated kindly and I don't know. I just felt really good today. I guess after the rain, the sun shines. Bed time.

Helvetes Jävlar

It was only 12 hours ago where we were having a deep and meaningful conversation. I'm okay with saying whatever that comes into my mind out loud. I'm comfortable with retelling stories that I haven't even thought of for a long while. It's nice to get everything out there.

I Couldn't Give To You

I think I'm gunna try to be honest as possible. No games. No hidden messages. I think about death everyday. I always want to die a certain way. I don't want to grow old and die in my bed or whatever. I don't want some typical death. I want to be in a car accident, be murdered, overdose. What ever it is. I don't like myself. Never honestly did.

I'm not a genuine person. But I know them. And believe me, I would give up everything just for them. Their happiness means more to me than my own. They are my purpose. And those days where I feel unneeded and unwanted, Apart of me dies and the only thought going through my head is, I just want to go to sleep in a hole and die. 

My very first thoughts in the morning use to be "I'm still alive". I knew I didn't wanna exist anymore. Maybe not in this place. Just somewhere else. Where I could be somebody else. I want to manipulate my life. I change myself just to be make people around me happy. I couldn't care less who I was. It wasn't a good feeling anyway. I'm done.

The Best For You

I'm just sad, Okay? I just need to you to be okay with that. I'll figure it out. Believe me, I'm not crazy. My reality is just different from yours.

Otherwise

It's not easy to forgive. Not truly. We tend to remember and it haunts us a little. We know that. When you ripped those rosary beads from me, It felt like my soul was getting crushed. Never hurt more. How can you call yourself honest. I'm a devil worshiper according to your rumors. You'll pay for your sins. There's no such thing as pure. Not in this damned world.

But I hope you know you stripped religion right out of my blood. Society is messed up and so is your mind. I'll never preach like the way you do. But my thoughts won't go unheard. I'm glad that I rid of you out of my sanctuary. I use to be religious.

No Words

Not many people hear what I truly want to say. They don't want to talk. They don't want to listen. They care so little for my plea of help but since I've met you. You seem to be always there. When I need some of your time. When no body else gives me theirs... I just don't know. All I can do is write these lines for you.

I wish I could give it all back. A hundred times more. I'm breaking down because it's more than I could ever ask for. More than I what I deserve. Truly. You're more than what you make yourself out in worth. I thank you so much. With every part of my heart. For keeping your doors open. A friend like you. I never thought we'd have this connection.

I thought this wasn't going to last long. Never having to have this connection. Not like this. But every part of my heart that I poured out. You managed to keep. This is everything I have. To give you my words of gratefulness. And in case we do ever grow apart one day. Just remember we're in this together and because of you, I'm here.

It's Not That Difficult

I was probably at the most happiest points today. It didn't last long but it felt good. I truly do hate it when my mind wonders off thinking about something so irrelevant. So pointless. "Do you feel like you have a purpose in life?" I honestly don't. I hate it when people tell me their life plans because I know they got their life sorted out.

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to eat tomorrow. I hate being indecisive. I hate analysing everything so I don't make a mistake. When's the last time I've done something without thinking twice about it. When's the last time I've done something new. What the hell am I doing with myself. Nothing but harm.

No Life Boats

I wanted to be comfortable. I had one thing to say. But I couldn't decide what I wanted to share. Maybe I was just too afraid. Or how I hurt myself intentionally. Maybe because I was abused. Lost trust in humanity. I'm disgusting by my own kind. I wanted to cry. You were so open with yours. Told us everything. I believe if I had the choice to say more than one thing about me, I would of said everything.

I didn't like being put on the spot to tell one secret. Everyone was listening. I froze. I was a secretive person. All I had to say. Cheeks burned red. I just wanted to scream everything out. Maybe it's a sign that I wanted help but too weak and uncomfortable around people. Now I wish I was greedier. Today could of changed something in me.

How I hate myself more than anything.

Eat Or Be Eaten

Jealousy is a poison. Whether it be for love or envy. It isn't love. It's possession. We'll always be jealous because people can make what they got better than what you make of it. I need a reminder. Why the hell I'm so obsessed to begin with.

Hell, If that girl was me. I would of tore you down bit by bit. If only she knew me. Would she still think of you the same? I don't mind. I have no intentions of ruining this relationship. I think I should give you a go. Without your guide, What will you do? Ask your brother? No. His with me. He always did treat me better than you did.

Regret is waiting for you. I can't be your shadow. You lost the love you love most. There's no more chances. You can't go around leaving empty holes in where people's hearts use to be. You can't ask me anymore. I'm not there to be found.

Standing Last

Hurting yourself. Just to see what it feels. The pain is real. It's the state I'm in and it won't go away. I have no prayers. Praying to a god, who won't listen. I don't think he ever did. I don't think I need him in my time in shame anyway. There's nothing for me. I wish you could see me for who I truly was.

This is me.

I've let you down. I will make you hurt. I'm one to let down. For everything I've done. You'll leave me alone. Everyone does. Why do I act as a fool. I can't ask for forgiveness. I don't know what to do. Just look at me life and what's left. Beneath all this wreak. I cannot contain what I have become to make you hurt this way. You were everything and all I did was push it all away. Trust was an excuse.

I hurt today. I still feel it. It's only real. It won't go away, The state I'm in. I can no longer pray. I secretly know you pray for me though. I wish for nothing more than to see you smile. Not to me. Never to me.

Plead

She was alone. Ribs closing into her. No one could enter. She wanted to venture the world. Wanted to explore the light. She can't keep her fears at bay. The sun scorched her pale eyes. Delicate skin blistering under the sun's crude fingers. She fought every weary step. Her past kept her at her ankles.

Her supple frame being broken down. Greedily feeding on the life that she held on so tightly. Cracking her already broken bones. Then came the rain. Selfless. She begged for mercy. Her hoarse whispering voice. Her soul was crumbling. Her body can no longer protect her. No mercy from his hands. Where is the hope, love, forgiveness? Where are the legions of angels?

Embrace her salvation and love. Her flesh was being soothed. Her fears are forever banished by the subject of mercy.

Meant For You

I need this right now. Relief. Relaxation. Vent. Just me. I need stress to go away.

You Asked

How my day went? I under-dressed for the weather. So it was chilly. I waited for the bus per usual. Met a gentleman who I had a nice conversation with photography. I got some lunch. Ponderously walked around for a seat. No luck so I ate outside where men played chess. The giant pieces. I finished. Sat there for an hour. Met a man who drinks wine out of a plastic bottle.Went home.

Now It's 3:30 in the morning and I couldn't be anymore lonely. It's weird how you can have people around and you still feel lonely. 

Never Let Her

Someone once told me that scars are like tattoos but with a deeper meaning.

Puppets

I want to get better.

Give Me Everything

I did it for a reason. I have no regret. It hurts, yes. I acted on my impulse and it was my choice so I have no reason to be ashamed. No reason to be guilty. No reason to feel anything at all. I'm acting like it's nothing. But when you find out, Will you want to be my friend anymore? Want to know me anymore. Have anything to do with me?

I lost track on how many times this has happened. They say I'm crazy. I say they're right. I can let it happened. I didn't do it for you. I did it for me. I'm obsessed with sense and reason, cause and consequence. I'm just making things worst.

Can't Go

One meal a day. Lack of movement. Reduction of light. Why the hell am I torturing myself. Of course I can depend on my immune system to come crashing down with me. If my life had a face, I'd punch it. Being me is sickening sometimes. 

Most Of Us Just Miss

I didn't know It was going to end like this.

Bed

Comfort. Loved. Safe. Wanted. Needed. Happy. Tired. Always there. Warm. Shelter. Trust. Lovely. Cosy.

Legit World

I seemed to embark on a trip that I planning at all. Things happen. Not the proudest of things. Now all that's left of me is regret.

I'm at my lowest.

Wouldn't Want To

Bottle things up.

It'll be full soon.

They'll spill.

Paying With Love

People harassing you is exactly the reason why I don't want to ever say my secret. I don't want people thinking me different due to me actions. Why is everybody so serious? Why does it concern you what I do with my life and my body. I believe I should have control over it. I'm not as strong as you. But I won't ever feel any regret from what I have done.

I'm proud dammit.

Great Departure

Tonight I tried to type things without getting too personal. I couldn't. I kept writing paragraphs but then erasing it. I wish my past didn't affect the type of person I was. But then again, It wouldn't of gotten me here. I don't regret being here right now but I wish I could of done it some other way. I'm just wasting time now. Like always.

Obnoxious

It's nice having that support. "You at you, Now look at him" I guess some people will never swallow their pride. Plot against me.

It'll make me laugh.

Pride

“Do not let loyalty and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart”

Next time I'll grip tighter at your throat

Little prick.

Priority

I am giving up and I'm beating myself up for it. What is the matter with me. A question asked to me one too many times. Sometimes I just feel angry, You know? I'm not going to blame my gender for me being angry all the time. Just my perspective on the world has gotten me mad. I just want to be me. We're closer than you think.

I like it when people say I'm like this because of them. She's weak because of me. She thinks like that because of me. She hurts herself because of me. That just means you're in the wrong and blame. I can't explain how much people frustrate me. I can't tell you why because I don't have an answer. Sorry I don't have an explanation for everything I do. All I'm doing in scratching more imperfections into my life.

Secretive

"I have cheated death many many times before and I will do it again". Maybe it's more like you're cheating with other people's lives. That can be said in two context. But I realised new things. I went to new places and my day was excellent. Scruffy dog on a muddy road with a old wooden house that's tearing apart. You're advice, "Go straight". I'll remember it. I'll remember this day.

I looked uncomfortable but I really wasn't. I was welcomed, I felt calm. Besides the few incidents we had. I guess things like that make memories. I lied my way through both of you. But I don't regret it. Happiness comes first.

On The Edge

I feel like I'm existing instead of living. Life is something you should live up to, Not something you should survive through.

Impression

Ignorance is bliss.

Giving Them The Cold

Sometimes there are people who you got to let go. Not because they treat you like crap, Take behind your back or leave you all the time. Just some of the things they say that make you become a unhealthy person around them. Extra baggage to carry around. Uselessly. It's not that I hate you. It's just that I don't believe in your anymore. You're going more damage than good. I know you don't mean it.

I Get That

Some people crave for the attention. If you don't give it to them. They get mad. People you got to learn to deal with I guess.

Tears For Fears

Some things that make me cry.

• People who strive for perfection.
• Frustration.
• Hateful and judgmental people.
• Their life stories.
• Yearning for the past.
• Being comfortably lonely.
• The pure beauty of animals. 

Had Enough

I know I won't have the best sleep tonight because someone I care for got hurt. If I ever find out who you are. Who knows what I'd do. I know goddamn well that I've seen more spine in a jellyfish though. I want you to know that you can tell me anything and to be by your side, It'll be my pleasure and privilege. 

Skepticism

Don't take anyone for granted

You're A Fool

I've been thinking. I don't think I've ever regret anybody that has entered my life. I would say I do but never truly meant it. I regret actions, words and thoughts but I would I don't think I could be anymore thankful.

• You made me into a confidence person when I wanted to give up.
• You were there when no one else was.
• I can be myself around you no matter what.
• I trusted you so much. 
• We had so many good memories. It's sad.

I'm not sure why I'm saying this. It's late, I'm half thinking. I miss people that have walked out on me. Maybe I'm too forgiving. Maybe I'm just running back to something that's familiar. I just want that again. I wear this sad look so well.

Below all those layers of stubbornness, lies a face of humiliation. A think silhouette of failure and nothing but lies liquidising through your teeth. You're unworthy of being a "leader" and although you appear to be a 'standing-tall' figure, You're truly weak. I observe imperfections but I don't deny them. My eyes go south and I'll mumble curse words. A prisoner of something I cannot help. Something I'm stuck with. Strangely comforted by unfortunate familiarity. Underneath that shell is self-loathing.

It's Not My Fault

Burn the house down. Slit some meat and kill all kin. I always turned to my iPod when I didn't want to hear my thoughts. But lately, they've been seeping through and the amount of times I wanted to burst out with rage just broke me down completely. You weren't my first choice. I was close to call you and say I needed you back.

"The future is scary but you can’t just run back to the past because it’s familiar. Yes it’s tempting, but it’s a mistake."

Taking Over

Friday always seem to boost up my self esteem and how much I'm quite content in myself. No problems. No dramas. Just fun and relax. Also the next day is Saturday so, That's nice too. I'll worry about everything on Monday.

Judgement

I hate this place. It's as shallow as the people around it. We all work hard everyday to make sure we're judged well. We're judge by everyone, Strangers, friends, family. We judge them right back. How they dress. How they look. How they think. We talk. They talk.

What type of a person they are. And how your assumptions change them through your eyes. The world fxcking demands us to be perfect. A very impossible goal. The world sees me and my flaws and everyone tries to cover them up. Whether it be clothing, make up, a fake image. But we're still judged for that. We're all in the wrong.

I feel defeated. We don't feel beautiful until someone says we are.

Open Up A Little Bit More

Thought are odd. I remember things at the most calming times and this changes my mood. It makes me think what if thinks changed. How has that event effected me and most importantly, what part of me did they take away. I can name 6 people on the top of my head who has effected me in a negative way.

It makes me wonder what would of happen if I decided to take control instead of letting them tear a little part of me. I'm not complaining. I'm simply curious.

Lights Out

I need to reevaluate on how much of a human-being I am.
Where is my savior.

3 Minutes

I'm not your shoulder to lean anymore. I'm not that person you call whenever you feel like talking. I'm not staying up to talk to you. I'm not spoiling you anymore. Frankly, Whenever you come up in a conversation or thoughts, it's negative. It's scary to know there's still apart of me that you won't accept. Love = Unconditional. It's how it works.

Possessed

It's weird to see what time can do. How much we've changed in looks, personality and opinions. Whether it be a good or bad change. We always change no matter what. We're influenced by the people around us. What we're exposed to and how we take whatever the world throws at us and some people just seems to crumble.

Time's a funny thing.

Thrift

Change. Adaption. This, I don't handle well at all. The act or instance of making or becoming different. I'm okay with things. Indecisive of whether it's a good change or bad. I won't tolerate it though. I'm okay with being by myself now. New improvement. Sort of.

Birth Is Overated

Sometime near October. Cute. Chubby. Small. Aggressive. Terrifying. Fearless. I remember you tripped me a few times. Eating away fruit in the sun. You always liked water. Sadly. That's what killed you. I loved you. I really did. I didn't know. I regret everything I did that day because I knew I could of changed it. Yet, I felt nothing until 8 years later.  
The lack of...

Intentionally

I feel good. I'm just so relaxed. I have problems right now but I couldn't care less. I have school tomorrow but I'm not worried. I have assignments to do but I'm calm about it. I'm so carefree and I want to blurt out my secrets. Not really. I'm actually quite miffed.

The Way I See It

I have expectations for the future. I won't live alone. I don't care what course I get into uni. I just want to do something. Must be able to have left over money. Open up to people. If I'm ever alone, I must be able to support myself. Don't let emotional suffering get to me.

I want a nice lifestyle. I'm not settling for anything.

When in doubt, Know your way out.

 

Note To Self

Enjoy the little things.

Watch Me Fall

I remember in primary school you stuck up for me. Yeah, I still remember. It made me happy. Now I resent you. I'm saddened by you but most of all I'm disappointed in you. Maybe because you stopped caring after a while and I became emotionally attached to everything to fill the void.

I'm only kidding myself when I do that though. I cook my own food. I get my needs. I buy my own clothes. I practically take care of myself. I don't know whether to be proud of myself or hurt from the fact I was forced to become independent or I wouldn't make it. I think that did me a lot more worst than good.

Take A Peek

I realise how much of a different person I am when I'm at my lowest. I'm aggressive, I'm silent, I become very selfish and hate everything. I don't know why. I guess this is me trying to get back at the world. I hurt the people I'm closest too. I stay in bed all day. I avoid human contact as much as people. I'm cruel.

But when I am myself, I'm cheery, I'm thoughtful and giddy. I like me better like this. And in my mind, I think I've been happy for too long. Any time now, I'll have a dropping point. I don't have many friends. It's probably cause I don't put in enough effort. That's sad.

Fxck.

Side To Side

My trust for people is rapidly decreasing. Or maybe because technology is replacing human existences for me. I wanna go somewhere but can't stand being alone. I got to dare myself.

Burn This Place Down

I hate being up so late. Makes me feel like I'm the only person on this planet. Even my dogs are asleep. Can't sleep. No one to talk to.

What am I meant to do.

I Fell Too

I just want to fall asleep forever

and never see another goddamn living face.

I'm trying to make myself sick and then I never have to leave my room ever again.

Be Brave

People judge things in hate. People disapprove in things in ignorance and people disagree due to misunderstanding. Why do people find a need to point out the "flaws" in their life. It's their lifestyle, It's their choice and they cannot help what they are and what they look like.

Why should how they live their life bother you. "They're going to hell" How good do you have to be to be considered a good person? Must I donate my organs? Conform to society or save somebody's life? Even if I did all of these things people will still hate me. They are people out there that love and care unconditionally. I'm sadly not one of those people but those are the truly beautiful people.

Maybe then this gaping hole from my childhood will be filled.

Sand City

My boyfriend reads this.

I love you.

Idiot.

Helios

What's that? My dog is sick. Sniffling and sitting with the broken chains of my old swing set. Breath in and never breath out. Watch the gold haze lower as a girl walks over. Soft, orange hair. I'll be off my way now. Drawing nothing but zebra stripes into my stockings.

You and I are twinning into this madness. What makes you think I won't do it today. I can't help you anymore than I can't help myself.

"I felt so ashamed that it had taken me this long.

I wasn't the only one running from something."

Weightless

It's something about the state of mind that makes the person think badly of themselves when the night creeps in. I'm one of those people. I'm not alone. I make up scenarios in my head of what could happen, how would I continue and what type of shattered person would I be.

I like my ordinary life. I get excited when something dramatic happen. I'm not ready. I'm grateful. I'm sympathetic. So much that I feel like I need to hold other people's griefs on my shoulders. I feel helpless. Useless and weak. I need to stay happy or else my walls come crashing down.