Kitten

I'm bouncing back and fourth to being really needy and feeling depressed to feeling independent and being okay. It's a shame to say I feel more down than up. At least I know where it's coming from. Holidays make me strangely upset and I don't really have anyone to really express that too.

I don't get much time to myself but when I do I just feel lonely and forgotten. I'm a person that needs to be occupied and surrounded by people. Even though I really don't enjoy socialising or having to constantly wake up early to go to work. I know it's all healthy for me. I'm just tired.. But it's all a good cause.

Dead Habits

I hate it. I hate living with a mental illness. A personality disorder to narrow it down. They said they understand but everything in your head is fighting against you. I understand I'm responsible for my actions but when someone else takes over what am I suppose to do then. It's not me. THEY'RE NOT ME. I have invasive thoughts. I have loud and angry voices.

Constantly telling me; You can't do that. You've embarrassed yourself. They're staring. You can't fix this. THEY KNOW. They remember. They can see through everything. There's nothing beautiful about that. There's nothing beautiful with wanting to slash every vein in your body or wanting to cause harm to others. Or crying at 3am hoping you will just tire yourself out and fall asleep. Waking up with eyes so swollen that they hurt trying to open them. 

I would honestly give anything to take it all away. I don't care. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Having to be tormented by what. WHAT. They're staring again. Having to pretend and fake through everyFUCKINGthing. It's tiring. It's draining. Just take this all away. Just give me all the pills. Just let me sleep. They can hear me. They know I'm weak. stop.

I'm so tired but it doesn't stop. It's like having to be constantly stressed over a deadline that never ends. Edge. Sharp. Make it stop. End it. Would it matter? It'll be easy. NO. I hate when I slip. It's so hard to encourage myself to get back up and keep going when I don't even know where I'm headed. This is one of my bad days but I know I can make it through the night.

I know she can. 

I can't say that I took suicide off my plate. I think about it every night.

Tired

I use to really enjoy putting in all my time and effort into making people happy and in return, acknowledgement. Having the sense that I'm useful or that I'm wanted. But everything I do just seems like wasted energy and it wouldn't have made a difference.

I use to love writing cute little notes and getting flowers, learning new recipes and going on spontaneous adventures. As of lately, I feel drained of my efforts and not precipitating anything back. I'm growing further apart and it saddens me because I can see my actions unfold and I know, even if I were to explain it to them, they would just be taken in a negative light and then ultimately feeling worst about it. 

Apparently, silence and allowing things to turn badly is just how things are going to be. I want to be able to stop it.

But after a while...

It's draining. 

Reverse

These days I end up sleeping during the day and crying quietly at night. Mostly because I don't like the things that are said during the day and it feels like with every eye contact I'm going to just crumble. I haven't felt this way in a long time... My beliefs and values are being unrooted unwelcomingly and I am being challenged to something I can't win.

Regards of my stance, they are wrong. Regards of where they come from, they are wrong. Whatever I do, it's never enough. I have not yet grounded myself but expected to fit into an idea that I don't desire. It's all about "bettering" myself. I can see me becoming bitter, selfish and uncaring and that's not the love I wish to give. It's changing me in ways where I must stop being that compassionate and empathic person. 

I miss the way I use to love. His words are harsh and they linger day after day. I want to be better. I want to be what he wants but when will it be ever enough. My love will always be unconditional but it's wearing me down. I'm always wrong and I think that's the way it's going to stay, unfortunately.

It feels like the last 4 years of my life is becoming undone and it's truly frightening. 

Alright

I was reading our old messages. I always seem to keep the ones that evoke the most emotion. It just remind me on how much I was a shallow, bitter and selfish person towards you. No one else will be as lovely, kind and gentle with me as you were. No body will love me to the extent that you did. I've grown a lot since and I know that we could never be a thing again.

Not because of you obviously. I just won't change my bad habits unfortunately. Even for the one I love the most. I suppose it's written into my soul. But I'm happy. Knowing that you're far away from me and hoping that somebody else is making you happier than I ever did. "I'm proud because you didn't cut". That was a good habit. I wish I was as clean as you want me to be. 

I'm not sober. I'm not well. It'll always feel like I'm "recovering". I miss you because you truly did better myself and life actually seemed like a pleasure to experience. I'm trying to take care of myself cause I know that is what you want but sometimes my personalities seep through and air begins to feel rough. I believe I haven't experienced love since you left.

I'm not sure if I should cry or smile at that.

 

Trostlos

I've been unhappy the last few days... But it's not from having stress upon my life or people I love having complications. It's me again. It's how my head works. I no longer feel like I'm progressing. Everything feels like an excuse or a bother. I constantly feel drained and fatigue. I haven't really been taking care of myself. I have a bleak outlook and I can't seem to turn this over. It's straining.

I know swallowing pills helps but isn't the solution but these days I'm depending on them to get through the day. I'm not bettering myself in any way. My contributions and efforts just seem meaningless right now. I need to make a positive change but having to go day in and day out seems repetitive and empty. 

Better That We Break

I confessed to one of my co workers what kind of relationship I'm currently in. I feel lighter after coming out with it rather than pretending that things are okay and trying to put on a brave face. I'm unsure where I'm going to do after this step but it's a working process. I think the only logical result is to leave but I'm stubborn and wanting to make it work.

I got to learn that ultimately I'm doing myself greater damage than he can ever do. If I need it to get beaten into me, then so be it. I've got to stop treating myself like dirt because others will start valuing me as much as I value myself. I apologise if this is a messy post. I'm going through discontinuation syndrome and it's not a pretty sight.

March of Men

I have a deep need to be loved in certain ways. Like through intellectual conversations and soft kisses. I enjoy exploring the mind's darker corners and asking hypothetical questions that leads no where. I work like this because my mind is so uncertain and scared of the unknown that I need to infect your day with, what you call, "meaningless chatter" when it's mostly for me and to help me calm my brain down.

There's something disturbingly unloving that you can't allow me to have that. Yet somehow I always feel at fault. Like I shouldn't think this way but that's just unravelling the techniques I have learnt over the years to help me cope and for you to invade that space hurts deeper than any cut I have ever caused or any curse you have sworn at me. 

I believe that we can both see the results in this. It's inevitable but yet we linger and dabble in the mess we've made. Pretending to forgive what we have done but never any apologises said. I want to fix this. I want to make things better but when you deny that we have an issue and blame everything on me then there is no us. You're not on my team. There is no fault or compromise on your side. I suppose my pride isn't as big as yours.

Go Quietly

I doubt myself often. I'm unsure of things. I find it difficult to read people's thinking patterns. Forgive me if I need to reassure myself constantly. I know it becomes annoying and sounds like I'm just toying with your emotions but please just understand that I'm coming from a place where everything seems fine and literally goes to shit within moments.

I need to confirm that things are okay otherwise I become trap in my thoughts where my mind tortures itself until I scare myself enough to ask the question out loud only to be yelled at by you. I don't mean to sound cruel but I'm not just a bot asking you to confirm your password twice. It's only to put my mind at ease and if that's too challenging to you then I will leave. I cannot live with myself that way. I'm just a hassle to you and apparently self destructive. 

I agree on that to a certain degree but it's more damaging when you don't even answer me. More doubt runs though. It destroys any confidence I had. You can't see my patterns because you haven't lived it. You don't where I come from no matter how much I try to explain it to you. That's why I'm giving up before it's started because you're not willing to fight for anything but your own stress free life. I'm stress. Rid of me. 

Uncomfortable

I woke up one day and decided that I was in love with you and that was that. He once said to me during a drunken argument. I thought we were people who were straight up with each other. I don't remember much from those nights where you filled my blood with alcohol to love me but I'm no longer sure if you meant those words or not.

I try to ask you numerous times but doesn't seem like I can get a straight answer from you. I ask my friends for advice and they said I'm just your side bitch because you can't commit. You play your words and I fall for them. So why am I still around. "Cause you're bored or lonely".

Am I becoming that predictable? 

___________________________

I'm sorry I made you fall in love with me. I thought I liked you too until I realise that we were too similar.  I just don't believe having two mentally ill people in a relationship is a good idea. We're both liabilities to each other. I can't fix you. I'm not as "together" as you think I am. You're just not something I want in life. If you can't accept that then you're going to be stuck in limbo.

Eden

I've become reckless. These days I can't seem to look at anybody in the face unless they're the disposable kind. It's so wrong to say but I suppose it's acceptable in our modern day to sleep around and never speak a word to them again. I've become almost dependant on meeting strangers and having to be constantly drunk to have a connection with somebody.

I can't ruin things. I'll move onto the next thing. No responsibility. No strings attached. Casual. Subtle terms we enjoy using because it sounds less hurtful for the other person. We all know what we're doing. It's not the best way with dealing with things but it's better than getting drunk alone and trying to fall asleep without waking up in a hospital. 

I haven't become more social or more outgoing as people think. They like me more like this. But even I can't deny knowing that I'm ruining myself just to feel slightly okay for maybe 20 minutes. That faux intimacy, those vacant cuddles and then being able to walk around with the mindset that you didn't need any of that but lord, did it make you feel better about yourself.

I can't say I hate it though. Not completely. 

 

Someone New

I'm in a odd place where I'm still depressed as ever but I use other people as a pick me up. This is a very bad way of coping because it's not always going to work and it's very unstructured. I'm in a strange place now due to this one boy. Sweet as apple pie but fragile as a glass house. I like to think I can save him. Deep down I know that's not true but it makes me feel like I've got a purpose.

Nothing but skin and bones he is. He's crude but oh so precious. In the way where you want to help a baby bird with broken wings. He's not mine. I don't want him to be but to meet somebody like me is very curious. His anxiety is no match for anything. Appears confidence but is a text book example for depression. I know what I'm doing.

I'm getting myself involved in something that I have no right to. He is not my friend. I don't know him but darn it. I know what it feels like. My fear of somebody going through that is bigger than the damage it's going to do in return. I can only feel complete knowing that there's somebody out there that needs me. Even if it's just a little bit. 

I know this won't work because you're not even standing on your own two feet. How can we both lay on the ground and not move. That's not living. That's sad. 

Cold

pt.2 A week later and my urges are still as strong. My knuckles are starting to heal and I continue to tell myself that it wasn't self harm because I won't let myself go there again but I'm finding other outlets. I'm becoming more reserved but not enough for anybody to think I'm dissociating. I started to drink, but I keep telling them it's the holidays as an excuse to continue. I haven't been sober in three days.

I'm going out tomorrow with friends and most likely put another few drinks in my system. I have complete control. I know that. But nothing is satisfying my urges to be destructive. They're different than just drawing a blade over your skin. It's a process. It's long and depressing. 

It's been a while since I've looked in the mirror. Every time I have a glance I'm filled with hatred and anger. What a strange feeling to be disgusted with one's self. I thought I was over this. Apparently not. They did warn me that this is something that is going to walk with me through life. How much longer can I deal? I continue to make scenarios in my head. Days like these makes it horrible to be me.