Loveless

pt.1 There is nothing more frightening than to be alone in my mind. I am in a stage of crisis and I am not well enough equipped to be dealing with me in a rational manner. I hurt the ones I love the most. This is a very constant pattern. But enough that you wanted me 16000km away from you. Immediately. I broke you.

In turn I am broken. To hear you say that you no longer want me in your life because every time I am emotional it makes you shake with fear. You then sugar coated over it and began to tell me that I am a good and caring person. I do care. I really do but I know it's suffocating. To all my borderline and PTSD friends, we are not for the soft hearted. We are violent. We are strong minded and we are difficult but because one person says it's too much for them, do not think that you are at fault. 

I've never have somebody love me so hard and then absolutely despise me within days. I'll be honest. I'm not coping well. I'm not really dealing with it. I'm not sure how to. I'm just avoiding. Now the only memories I have left of you are traumatising to think about and leaves me in tears whenever I hear the echoes of those words. I am truly sorry. I don't want anyone to go through what you did.

Abhor

I'm feeling such mixed emotions. I should focus on the people who actually matter in my life. In the end of the day, I know they're looking out for me and they will have pick me up when I'm down. The people who make you feel as if they're best friend immediately are the people you should be wary about. There's something so beautiful and disgusting about these type of people.

They make you feel comfortable. So comfortable, you end up wanting to spend all your time with. You end up sharing stories and secrets that you wouldn't normally tell people but they're so lovely and nice. Why wouldn't I trust them. Look how well we're getting along. But then they say the wrong thing. Oh, But they haven't known me long enough to know that I would be sensitive to that.

They continue to say things that make you uncomfortable and then you realise you haven't been friends with them for very long. You try to explain to them why you're upset but they just brush it off and continue to be their funny and happy selves. They make you feel like you're on top of the world and everything is amazing with them.

You have an argument but assume like you're other friends that you would just stop talking for a few days til things calm down and you talk about it. Except in this case, it becomes OBSESSIVE. They're calling you constantly. They're messaging you explaining why they're overreacting and how it's not really them that it's you. They bring up that we had such a fun time and that I'm ruining the friendship. How they thought I was such a good person but really I'm bitter and mean and they're absolutely nice with no flaws. 

Somehow it turns around so quickly you wonder how it escalated this far to begin with. You no longer feel that glee anymore. It just becomes distasteful and it begins to feel like more of a burden than a friendship. I wouldn't recommend this but if someone becomes this toxic and this quick, drop that bastard. Asap.

They warned me about you and now I see your scales. 

 

Fathom

The health ministry is taking their time in giving me my medication that I ever so need to be okay with everyday living but it's not just me. It's everyone else too. They refuse to give anybody their scrips until their system comes back online 100%. I understand that. But what about the people who urgently need theirs? All I can get is 30 pill prescription and it'll only last me 15 days til I have to go back to the doctors office and get a new one written up.

I'm very anxious because I need more than that when I go traveling to Europe. I've been taking smaller doses just to save my medication but already I can notice a differences. I need to be okay to the best of my ability and this circumstance is completely out of my hand and it makes me uneasy. I was able to wrap all of my Christmas presents and decorate around the house. But work, That's a whole different story.

I've been coming in late because my body refuses to move whatever ungodly hour I wake up. It's hard to explain it to my co-workers because they don't seem to understand. I explain it to the best of my abilities but I'm not very good at it. They understand to an extent but then they begin to compare. Your sadness and my sadness aren't the same. I need you to understand. I don't want to hear about your experience about your type of depressed. Your advice doesn't help me. I can't just fix it by being happy and keeping my chin up.

In the end I get told that "It's not good enough" and then I feel worst for being the way I am. There's so many problems with the understanding of metal illness. A good example of this is when we are in hospital, we get clumped together who are under the influence, whether it be drugs or alcohol. We also get treated the same with patients that are mentally disabled. I'm not trying to say that we are better in any way, just we all need to be treated differently in different units of the hospital. I'll elaborate on this on a later post. 

Desolate

I don't know how to feel about the situation we've put ourselves in. I've been clear in saying that I am not interested in you however, you are yet to make any statement at all. You're a sweetie. You never make me ask twice. You always assist me even though I've said I'm fine. You get upset whenever I go to grab my wallet. You know when I get upset or annoyed at things. Nobody picks up my queues as quick as you.

But day in and day out, I remind you constantly; I love you but not in that way. I don't think about you when I'm about to fall asleep. I don't miss you as much as you want me to. You're not the first thin on my mind in the morning. I feel terribly guilty for having to explain my position repeatedly because you always reply with a "I know." but deep down I don't think you really do. 

I think you like pushing that reality away from you. As far as possible. As long as it means being happy for that small moment. If they didn't know, they would think we've been a couple for years. I've met your family, I've met your friends. I was called your partner last night during dinner and I had quickly corrected them. The hast wasn't because I'm ashamed of you or anything of the manner but I need to make it clear as possible. You hate hearing the truth but you need to know.

I was hurt today. We've grown so close in such a short time but you wouldn't tell me what was upsetting you. You tell me everything. Except this... and I know even your darkest secrets. It got me thinking. I couldn't date you. I couldn't love you any more than friends. From where I've been and how you handle things. It doesn't work. You are from a background of opportunities and privileges. I'm from dirt and struggles. You can try to understand but not on that emotional level I need the people I love deeply to be. 

"I am eternally, devastatingly romantic, and I thought people would see it because ‘romantic’ doesn’t mean ‘sugary.’ It’s dark and tormented…the despair of an idealism that you can’t attain."

—	Catherine Breillat

We enjoy each other's company more than the norm but god, I know it's killing you inside. I ruin you but how do I stop. I can't let go but I know if I do, you'll be better off. Or are we both just killing time...

Ain't I Lucky

I had a druggie come in the other day try to kiss my hand and I don't tend to overreact in situations like that but I must admit, I panicked. I was giving him his change as like any other customer. Except he was slurring all over the place with his discoloured drool. The second my eyes left him he cupped my hand and pulled it in towards his lips. I actually screamed and pulled back.

I held my hand as if it was an injured puppy. He looked at me with such sad eyes. "I didn't meant to scare you. I was just trying to kiss your hand because you're so nice to me. Nobody has been this nice to me in years." I was frightened and angry. I was angry for so many reasons. I kept changing the reason the more I thought about it.

• How dare he grab me like that.
• Doesn't he know he's dirty and filthy. 
• How can you let yourself abuse such a substance.
• I overreacted. 

"I'm not full of disease". How do I trust your word on that. Addict are known to be liars. He began to give me a sob story but I zoned out on the condition of his skin. It was red, sore and covered with track marks. I guess I began to sympathise with him because after all, he's still human. 

I later got a lecture from my manager saying that I should of handled the situation differently. I'm sorry but it's not like everyday I get approached by a schmecker. I am not trained to deal with those type of situations. I know he meant no harm. Our systems don't know how to handle people like him.

I guess because if you asked me a year ago, I would of been just like him.

Glazed

pt2; I was never thankful to anyone who walked into my life but yours, I can definitely say I was. I'm not sure if it's because you drove me to the edge or you bettered my life. I remember meeting up with you one day and my eyes were swollen and I stayed oddly quiet. They previously gave me a drug which I have no recollection of. The other patients told me that I spent the next days vomiting and was unresponsive to anybody. I don't remember any of it.

I have flashes of getting out of bed and telling a nurse that I had just vomited and had double vision. I don't think I'll ever know what they did with me. It was the same when they sedated me. I woke in bed and walked out with everyone looking at me terrifyingly. Did you even know I was missing? I had nurses laugh and make fun of me. Yet nothing happened from it. I just distrusted people further because they were good enough proof for me. 

You couldn't protect me. Being treated unfairly for so long makes me defend people regardless the situation. You loved me but allowed people to ridicule me. I needed somebody on my side. I don't think you were ever on my side. I always expected more. But that was what was wrong with me. I always expected more. I was never happy with what I had. Perhaps this goes back to feeling anything at all. It went to feeling so much to nothing at all.

"It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply."

It's strange. I look back and I wonder in what way I loved you and in what way did you love me. I'm unsure that I can't recall because I didn't or my efforts were so poor. Stop making friends who have suicidal tendencies because one of these days one of us will die and you will blame yourself for the rest of time and we're already too much to deal with. Just. Stop doing this to yourself. 

No Taksies Backsies

Pt1; Every person I once loved has a piece here. I guess it's your turn. I did it because I felt so unloved. I know. You loved with me with everything you had but you made me feel so afraid of myself. You gave me reassurance that somebody can love me but you made sure that no body else would either. I guess I just needed to test the waters. I thought I was better once I was medicated but things never felt better for me. I was afraid because I couldn't feel anything any more but you liked that.

You liked how I became unconcerned about everything but the truth is it doesn't stop. I just show it less. I lash out less. I can control what I do but not how I feel. I guess in the end I was afraid but you were too. Things were easier for you but things became scarier. It was just a different shadow. I had nightmares all the time. The way risperidone made me feel was frightening. Clonazepam made me feel like I was constantly screaming on the inside. Olanzapine gave me no inner thought. And my dear friend sertraline. I can't go a day without it because I literally feels like I'm going to collapse and die whenever I stop taking it. So I begin taking it again just to take away that feeling.

They tested so many different drugs on me. I can't remember most of the days I spent in there. You're glad I went through that but I hate it everyday. They controlled who we spoke to, what we did, when we ate. They even sedate you whenever you begin to act out in the slightest raised voice. The whole process was traumatising. You gave me a lot of shame for being that person. I just needed to start over with somebody who didn't have a 'upper hand' on me.

I would be lying if I said being scheduled didn't do good for me. But god, why couldn't I just leave this world loving too hard than to barely love at all and only just to feel okay. It just seems no matter what I do, I can't feel that happy any more or that depressed. I can't feel the way I use to. I told you ever off day, I miss the euphoria.

Auxilium

My first night in hospital was exhausting. I just remember sitting on this grass patch on the highway with at least 14 police surrounding me. I was silent mostly. One officer tried to talk to me but I could see she couldn't really understand why I put myself in the situation At least she spoke to me unlike the other officers that were just talking shit the whole time.

I must of waited in emergency for at least 4 hours until I gave up and I left. One nurse tried to stop me because she thought I had a catheter stuck in my arm. I got scared and ran away and walked home the rest of the way at 5am in the morning. I ended up sleeping most of that day until some people sent from the hospital knocked on my door and asked if I could come back in. 

My boyfriend during the time accompanied me back to the emergency where we waited another 3 hours or so until a bed was available for me. I stayed in that bed for the rest of night barely getting any sleep due to a patient becoming aggressive because he drank too much and wanted to kill himself too. I had a nurse come around every couple of hours asking me if I wanted a pill to help me sleep. I always declined. I was then evaluated by a few doctors who asked me questions to figure out where my mental state was.

The security guards that I was assigned were nice to me. They didn't try to ask me why I was here. Instead they were trying to calm my nerves. Of course I made their job difficult by trying to leave a few times but I was compliant. I was scheduled until they could find me a bed a metal ward and this is how I ended up in Campbelltown Hospital. 

Also; Never have hospital eggs. It's just the powdered stuff and they made me throw up. I felt more physically sick than I did mentally. 

 

Mendax

Lately I've been feeling down. I'm not sure if that's due to not taking my medication properly or having backlash when you open up to somebody. I recently joined the semi-colon project and got a small tattoo on my wrist. It means a lot to me. Getting this far. I do like to think of him as a good friend but there are doubts. I don't think he has friends in his intentions.

I suppose it is him and his brother not understanding my circumstances so the only way they can understand is to mock it. Something that means close and dear to me. It scares you but that's my life you're joking about. I've been through so much and there's nothing funny about being 9 years old and wanting nothing more but to die. I get it. You don't understand it. Leave it at that.

I feel no remorse for the selfishness or hostility I show when around you. I'm not normally like that but you give me that attitude.That's how I'm protecting myself. I know your secrets and I show no judgement. Perhaps this is the reason why I find it difficult to make friends or feel love. People like you build my walls higher. I don't mind; but don't blame me when the next person that comes around trying with all their strength to break down the barrier asks why it was so secure in the first place. I will point my finger at you and it will take them years to go through those layers you've made.

Because of you. 

People like you make the world horrible. You disguise yourself as a friend but you're no where near that. You're a liar.

Vexatious

So my birthday was a few days ago. I didn't think anything interesting will happen this week. Just like any other week but tonight was different. I caught the later train. Later than usual. All stops. I was wide awake but everyone was dozing. This person caught my eye. Real suspicious type. His posture was slump. Tried to make himself blend in.

However he did a horrible job. He stuck out with his platinum blonde hair and his wide eyes shifting back and forth. I noticed him focusing on people who were asleep. Their bags in particular. He made it clear what his intentions were all about. I was at the ready. Except he moved to the next carriage. I kept alert. He made himself too obvious now. 

The train had stopped and I knew something was wrong. He bolted out with somebody's bag. My first instinct was run. RUN NOW. I guess he didn't suspect me to catch up to him. I couldn't get him but at least he let go of the bag. I guess that's all that really mattered. A part of me seems disappointed that I couldn't of done more. Another thought that was quite the adrenaline rush and the other side was thinking how reckless that was.

What if he had a knife? Was it really worth all that trouble? I just knew I couldn't of just sat there and did nothing. I wanted to make an effect happen. So I did. it was irresponsible but I wanted to make a difference. I guess I did at the cost of my safety. I'm sorry I did that. 

Plato

The type of people I attract has always perplexed me. Some barely interact with me yet have the courage to ask permission to enter my life in a more than 'just strangers' circumstance. I rarely have a say about it and yet they expect me to give them my details. I've grown too wise from all the mistakes I've made by letting unsuspecting people dictate my life.

I'm sorry dear, but you don't know me or know what I can do. I come with a lot of baggage and I don't think you quite understand how heavy that can be. "There is no other way to guard yourself against flattery than by making men understand that telling you the truth will not offend you." — Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince. 

I'm not protecting you. It's the truth and I don't want you to be apart of it because I know your intentions are purely innocent, at least I perceive it to be, and for me to allow you to walk into that is cruel of me. Don't thing you can "handle it" because it takes a damaged kind of person to be able to hold me up whilst holding themselves at the same time. So when I say I'm not interested, don't be discouraged because someone will come along and love what you've done.

Just not me. 

 

Olivander

I always joked around pretending that none of that stuff bothers me but it does. I don't like to admit it, But I have triggers and they scare me everyday. I don't have triggers over horrible images. Instead I hear a certain song, watch a certain television show or smell a familiar scent that I deem is good but suddenly my head tells me no and ruins that good moment for me.

My past was shit but It had good elements which I'm finding difficult to enjoy now that I'm an adult. I live with a family of 3 and it's difficult to watch whenever they argue over something. To them it's the smallest fight but in my head it escalates much further than that. I end up hiding in my room most of the time pretending that none of it is happening. 

My head makes it feel like reality. It's petrifying. I slowly do end up bringing myself back to the moment and differentiating what story my head is trying to make and what is really happening. I don't know what my mind is trying to tell me but all I have to say is that I am not my past and I refuse to let you have a grip on me today. 

Sculpture

You can try so hard but you won't ever replace me.  
I am unique and I am exceptional. Don't think for a split second that you have something better than the original. It's just a cheap knock off you're trying to mould into my form. I have nothing but pity for the girl you are constructing into another version of me.

You don't have a heart. You don't have a soul. Release that girl, for she is still far too young and hasn't developed her own remarkable character yet. When I left you I only intended to hurt you and no body else. Don't go dragging others in who are completely unaware of what you're trying to do. All you're doing is leaving a trail of empty husks that could of been something more notable.

You are damaging. You are toxic. I warn everybody to stay away from you.

Monty

It's so strange to have a desire of people using your name. I found it strange at first but these days I'm growing to appreciate it immensely. I no longer feel like a number or just a blur among a crowd. I cease being robotic and become an individual with personality. It feels as if flowers are blooming all over me. It feels brighter. It feels delightful.

It's such a simple way on becoming familiar and memorable. It's a truly platonic thing. Just having a slight pause and to take the time and effort to get to know someone. Even if it's so simple like a name. It means so much. Behind that name is a character with a whole story and complications and it's frankly honourable that you even read the title of the book.

Cold In Winter

It's actually irritating. I would never recommend this. I find myself angrily biting my bottom lip over the messages that I wait all day to receive only for it to be two sentences of generic conversation. Small talk. I feel as if my feelings and efforts aren't being returned in the same manner.

I'm wrong you say. I'm always wrong. But I've written to you so much. I haven't even gotten a single letter from you since. I hate having this feeling as if I'm kidding myself. I hate that I have so much time for you. I'm willing to sacrifice so much but I'm sure you wouldn't do the same.

Everyday. Worst thoughts seem to intrude and honestly, I'm starting to believe them. They're invasive and loud but you haven't given me any reason not to believe them. I give you so much of my time. I lose so much sleep. Why don't you do the same? I don't deserve this. We need to talk.

Dispose My Thoughts

Well done. Open to religious views but it doesn't convince me.
Don't tell me you love me unless you mean it, Or I might do something crazy like believe it.
If there's a chance, Take it and run like the wind.

That was a bitch move.

Falling for someone you’ve never met in person, makes you realise that you look for the personality more than the looks.
I have a confession to make. I'm quite the hoarder.

When I was a little kid, I couldn't wait to grow up and now that I'm grown up, I can't wait to die.

Gosh, You're skinny. It's frightening.

I don’t let people know much about my personal life because the people that know a lot about my personal life, I start to distance myself from them, and we go from really really good friends to strangers in a frighteningly short time.

This post was created in 2010 but was never published.

I wish I knew the reason or the context on why I wrote these down and decided to keep them for so long.

Birthdays

Dear Keaton Henson,

Whenever I am feeling a little restless or sad, You release me from my heartache. You make me cry whenever I can't and it is so good to let it all out. Your lyrics are comparable to wilted roses. Beautiful but saddening at the same time. You bring out so much raw emotion. It's so troubling to know how much I enjoy being distressed over your music but good God, I feel human.

I relive past memories through your albums. Some I rather not remember but I'm mourning rather than dissociating. I'm moving through and past it. It moves me in such a strange way where I want to reconnect with my ex-boyfriend and invite him to listen to your discography just so we could stare at each other with tearful, bitter stares only to feel heartbroken and regret and wonder why we ever did this. 

You make being miserable bearable in such an attractive way. Stay that way. I never thought I would embrace my emotions in such a positive manner. It's good. It's healthy. This is my appreciation post for you and the differences you've made within me. Even in my loneliest hour I still feel the company of your spirit through your tremulous voice.

Beekeeper

You Don't Know How Lucky You Are 

10 AM, Gare Du Nord

Lying To You

Teach Me 

You

Elixir Vitae

My current fear is the day my medication ceases to work. Some days I think it's all a placebo and it gets worst. It balances my mood but it doesn't make the bad thoughts go away. When they're really intense it's like I never even swallowed them.

These past couple of days I can feel the stress tightening my chest up again and my thoughts running constantly. It becomes obsessive. I have urges to just suddenly cry. It's like that side of me is seeping back through. I'm fearful of that. Truly. 

Some days I deceive myself to not take them. After a few days of convincing myself, it catches up to me and the side effects begin to kick in. It feels like a bad trip. You feel weak. You can't seem to focus and it feels like every movement is causing all the muscles in your body to seize up. It feels like your eyes are going to fall out of their sockets along with your brain mass pouring out.

So... I like taking my medication. Most days anyways. I'm more fearful of the person I am without them than the pages of side effects that they have on me. I've become so dependent I don't even know who I am anymore. 

Treading Water

I don't really trust what I'm feeling unless it's fear. It's so easily felt and I'm so acquainted with it. I remember doing an exam for my mental well being and it had all these questions about all these difference emotions that I was really confused on what these feelings actually felt like. I've been accompanied by terror and depression for so long that I was never really aware about the other things that I could be experiencing.

They were so overwhelming that to this day, I question if I ever "loved" anything. I mean... I've said it before and tried to mean it as much as possible but it still felt empty. I would say it often and I would elaborate on how much I loved something so they didn't think that I was exaggerating but now I feel like I was only just kidding myself. I am capable. I just need to take it slow.

Validity

I cried the whole way home on the train today. It was peak hour and I was sitting at the front. It didn't bother me surprisingly. It liberated me. Only a single individual had asked me if I was alright. I was. I just needed to let it out. I've been holding it in for too long. I needed to breath out.

I cried in front of my customers and I blamed it on allergies. They believed it. At least I did. I couldn't tell anybody the truth. When I finally did it sounded silly and that I was being ridiculous. But I mustn't continue this habit of dismissing myself and my feelings. 

How I feel is completely reasonable because they come from a place of love or a place of fear. I haven't been taught any other way and I need to reteach myself that it's okay to have strong emotions but how I react to these emotions is important and essential to me and others. Understand the properties of the emotion and why they are there. What's their purpose?

Practice this. 

 

Drive

More often these days I end up questioning what I'm doing with myself and where I want to end up. It was only after 2014 where I thought "Shit, I want to die old". I suddenly have more possibilities and time to do what I want to and try to accomplish whatever I have in mind. However, I end up worrying more about how I'm going to spending my time rather than actually doing something with it.

My only thought process is, If it makes you happy; do it. With the conditions of:

• Is it in living means? i.e Money
• Does it harm or bother anybody else?
• Will if effect your health?

Of course these are just the main three points and so far I managed to really boost my quality of living. I started painting again. I began traveling and I'm doing things for me. I know it may sound odd because a lot of people do things for themselves but I was always worried about what others will think, how they will comment on it and how my actions affect other people. 

In the scheme of things, my doings are actually quite minute and generally have little or no affect on others unless I make it so. I'm getting into the habit of thinking that I'm not a bother and if I am, I shouldn't mind because they don't matter.

Heffalump

How is it that we have destroyed so many minds of adults that they still have to recover from childhood. I'm aggravated because my room mate is going to have a baby soon and when I hear that I want them to have the best childhood that anybody can possibly give it.

I want to tell it everything is okay and learn how to deal with things in a healthy manner. I don't want it to grow up like us where we grew up sheltering our insecurities which would later dictate how we live our lives with anxieties and feelings we don't understand overwhelming us. 

I don't want you to think that you are incapable. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to hide your feelings and opinions and that bottling it all in is okay. I want to know about your troubles and fears. I don't ever want you to think that the way we deal with things is appropriate.

For the love of god, I don't want anything more but for you to grow up happy. What you do from there is your responsibility but please, I don't want you growing up having terrible memories that devour you at night leaving you crying silently in bed. You are so tiny. I don't know you but I love you and I'm going to protect you with everything I got.

Overstayed My Welcome

I have a deep concern about being a nuisance. I suppose this stems from every so often people have the need to tell me to calm down and relax. I don't mean to be intense. I just enjoy showing my feelings with vigour but this makes people uncomfortable. I don't mean to be loud. I just don't know any other way to exude my spark.

And the fact that I have the need to apologise for feeling this way makes me feel like I'm just somebody's headache. Thoughts along these lines run laps through my head in a never ending relay. I don't want to be pardon myself because that's just the way I am. I've ever only had one person who's ever told me directly with so much spite that it still breaks my heart today. 

Maybe because it was meant to be season of open arms and love. Or maybe because I really didn't deserve it... Not that kind of level of hostility anyway. It caused me to have one of the most severe panic attacks I ever had. But I suppose I would be more of a nuisance if I didn't ask for clemency. However, In the long run of it all. I don't want to know you.

That's just me emitting my enjoyment and hype and if you can't either be happy for me or share my glee, I don't want to know you. You're stopping me from enjoying my life the way I want to. You're dimming my light and for what exactly? You're invalidating me. I don't need that.

To put it simply, I'm infatuated. 

 

Der Schein trügt.

Hello old friend. I could never forget about you. Mind you, It has been 4 years. I do miss you though. I suppose I should tell you how the last few years went.

2012: Your first real attempt on getting help due to another dance with death but failed miserably due to resistant. My fault but you didn't have to be a dick about it. But if I do ever find you, I will punch you so hard you'll never forget my face again. You are not equipped to work with mental health patients or anyone in the health care system.

2013: This year is hazy to be completely honest. It was really a wasted year but I met someone nice... Who later found out I wasn't so nice but stuck around regardless. I believe this was the year that the reckoning really unleashed itself. It wasn't just the rage or dissociation any more. It was a large portion of paranoia and hallucinations. And denial. A lot of denial. 

2014: I've never crashed so hard in my entire life. Again, I wasn't so nice. That led me to be unwillingly institutionalised for half a year in total. Not counting the mandatory weekly group session which literally changed my outlook on life and how I deal with things. I am deeply appreciative of that. I became homeless and luckily had another patient offer me a place. I was given many different drugs which I all tried but never abused. It was from here out that I became a different person. I was better. I was okay.

2015: I had a hiccup. I wasn't nice...Again. A commonly regrettable trend with me but this is probably the best I ever felt in years. I take drugs daily just to feel okay. I'm not ashamed of that. I gained a lot of money from different outlets but I'm clean. I'm healthy. I'm okay. And I never thought I'd live to see the day I can admit that and mean it at least 95.5%. 

It feels like I've lived two lives. Why I didn't I do this sooner? Scared mostly but I highly encourage everybody to get help whenever they think they need it. It's going to be a difficult process filled with ignorant people but persist. Fuck it. LIFE DOES GET BETTER.